Dating and Single Hood

I had a request that I write today regarding dating. This makes me laugh a little, because I do not see myself as any expert in any way and reality is, I have really had a history of struggle with dating.  But, I guess that is where perhaps some may relate.

I was married very young the first time and divorced at 22.  It all seems like such a blur. I have learned a lot through trial and error over the 14 years I was single.  I  have had my fair share of unhealthy, co-dependent behaviors.  I had to overcome quite a bit.

After a long  5 year dysfunctional relationship with someone, I could relate to Julia Roberts character in "Runaway Bride." I had lost myself. I didn't even know who I was.  I was 85 pounds over weight, thought I was crazy, and didn't even know what I liked and disliked anymore.
The man in this relationship wanted me to be thin in order to marry him.  He told me what I should eat, and how I should be spiritually. He wanted me to be who he was. He would give me assignments.  If he felt I should be more political then he would advise me to watch the Glen Beck show and come back to him and report about what I had learned from it.  His intentions in his mind were good, but slowly after 5 years I had developed an unhealthy attachment that nearly took my life. He was a good man in other ways, but it is what it is.  After it ended, I was left with nothing.  I was absolutely shattered.  But sometimes our greatest trials are the Lord's tenderest mercies.

At this point I was forced to look within.  I have learned that some of the greatest dysfunction is not loving ourselves enough to know who we truly are.

THIS is the focus in single hood. We must love ourselves enough to know we are good enough for everything we always knew we are deep down. I truly believe that every situation we are in is designed to be part of our play.  We each are part of this magnificent production.  People will come into our lives and play a specific role. These people teach us what we need to know and when we have not learned it, another will be sent, and the process will continue.

I had to become truly happy with being single.  Not entirely content, but happy with who I was.  And I learned that happiness was not contingent on having someone in my life.  God is my happiness.  Not a single person can make me happy.  But, God can.If we look for someone to make us happy, they will ALWAYS fall short. I have heard women say, "I divorced my husband, because I deserved to be happy and he wasn't making me happy." I am sorry to say we will never truly be happy or content until we know how to be happy regardless of our circumstances. This all has to come first BEFORE we find our special someone.

When I was younger I had written a list of things I wanted in a husband.  I would go back to it after each person I dated and would compare them to this list. Honestly, no one measured up.  I finally decided I was never going to find what I was looking for and maybe I was not being realistic. So, I changed my focus.  I worked on myself and for myself. I began exercising and ate healthy.  I read uplifting books, meditated, and developed strong patterns of scripture study and prayer. I lost all 85 pounds, established my own fitness business, lived to serve, and I was the most happy I had ever been in my life. I had found peace with single hood.

 I kept myself active in social activities without taking away from my children and honestly was unattached to any outcome. I was interested in some and did feel discouraged every now and then as prospects were slim. I became more and more connected with God through prayer and meditation.  I learned for the first time just how incredibly loved I am. How loved we ALL are. When we become connected with the source from where we originated, we develop a clear understanding that ALL situations and relationships have been for our good.

The following are 10 of the greatest lessons I learned:

#1. LOVE self first!  Take care of the self!  Take care of the body, mind, and spirit. Be confident enough to know we are each so intrinsically loved by an amazing and unconditional Father in Heaven.  That means we deserve all He has in store for us.  We will fall, we are not perfect, but He even prepared a way for us to repent and get back up again. So much love!!

#2.  Do not be attached to any outcomes.  People will come and go.  Give love without motive. There will be some who will be those awesome butterflies.  They will come in and back out of our lives.  They are beautiful as butterflies are. Then there will be rocks.  Rocks of all shades and colors, but are meant to stay.  Don't try to hold onto butterflies.  They are meant to fly! Watch them, learn from them, and do not be attached to the outcome.  Do not be concerned with whether they will be a rock or a butterfly.  Because you will not be able to stop them from fulfilling their purpose either way, so simply be a spectator. Give love no matter what. As my husband says, "Sit back and watch the movie." =)

#3. Make a list of things that are absolutes in what is wanted in a spouse.  Things that are a must.  Keep it locked away and only refer to it if necessary.  Even though I had locked it away and could not remember where it was, it was so fun and interesting to find it again AFTER I had already found my husband and find that he fit my list beautifully in ALL the ways that were essential. 

#4. Work on being happy no matter the circumstances. Literally practice optimism!  Work on daily gratitude.  There were times I had to just look at my hands and go from there. And look for ways to serve others. 

#5. Have faith in knowing that even if marriage does not happen in this lifetime....it WILL happen. So, we can choose to spend valuable, precious time here serving and causing others to smile, lift others up, loving to the greatest capacity with absolutely no motive or agenda.  And continuously seek knowledge by having the desire to learn what is meant to be learned in every circumstance. 

#6.  My mother reminded me before she died about the importance of agency. Heavenly Father may give His go ahead for a certain someone, BUT we must remember they have their agency. This might be confusing and cause some heart ache and frustration. When one COULD be a right one, does not always mean he or she won't choose contrary to that. But, please know if it is meant to happen in this lifetime, it WILL happen anyway just not always with the one we think.  I had an experience once that was very spiritual.  I was told someone was going to be my husband.  I knew this other person had the same answer.  He utilized his agency and chose differently.  I later found out years down the road he made other choices that would not have been congruent with how I want to spend my life. Again, sometimes our greatest confusions and trials are the Lord's most tender mercies.

#7. Love is simply not forced.  It comes natural.  When I met my husband, I just knew. There was no feeling of settling.  I remember telling my best friend that I knew my husband was the one for me because there was no, "I love him, but...."  "I love him, but I don't always feel good about myself with him." OR "I love him, but he is controlling."  When I met my husband and got to know him, it was only, "I love him."  OR "I love his butt."  =P Love will come natural, because we love ourselves first and then love for others naturally follows.  We will look to the happiness of the other always wanting them to be happy, not because we have to, but because we are just so grateful for them.

#8. When feeling down and life feels impossible.....remember faith. Do not fear the unknown, because when we truly believe in a loving God, we will know it is NOT unknown to Him. Faith is the antecedent of worry and fear. Trust in Him. Trust in Him to have power over our lives. He will gently guide us to where we are needing to go, even if the roads will feel a bit bumpy along the way.

#9. Be grateful for the growing pains.  They are positive and good. They hurt. They are supposed to. Without the growing pains, there is no growth. It really is that simple.

#10.  Don't take life or yourself so flipping serious!!! Be yourself. Be REAL!!!

These are all the things I learned while I was single.  And since I have been married I have learned SO much more and am continuing to learn. And there are continuous growing pains!!! But, I don't think I have ever felt so loved,  or loved anyone as purely as I love my husband.   He loves me for exactly the way I am, because we have been nothing but real with each other. And we are both learning to love without motive or any kind of agenda. This is the way God and Christ love each of us.  And we are required to love all men the same. <3