The Controlling Parent??

This is not going to be the normal feel good post.  So, beware.  But, I am hoping by keeping things real, there will be at least someone who can relate.  As painful as it may be, it has been a powerful lesson for me!

For a few months now I have been completely bogged down by feelings of failure.  Failure as a mother to be more specific. I have wondered why my children have chosen the paths they have and why it seems I have taken the brunt of their issues.

For 14 years I raised 4 children by myself.  None of them are choosing the path I taught them.  I took them to church, we had family scripture study, and tried to have Family Home Evenings often.  They have fought me at every turn.  I have had a few scoffers.  I have had some who have spoken behind my back, saying I forced religion on them and that is why they all rebelled.  My 18 year old daughter told me the other day that if I had not made them go to church then maybe they would not all hate it now.

I look back and try to figure out where I went wrong.  I never forced them to believe anything.  I simply expected them to attend church as a family, and to sit together for scriptures each night.  I always made it clear it was for them to decide and they must find their own testimonies of the Gospel.  I could not force that on them.

They have each been angry when I have not allowed them to have cable t.v. or computers in their bedrooms. They have taken their turns blaming the church for these things, or now some of them blame my new husband.  Somehow it is his fault that the kids are not allowed to have internet during the night.  That maybe just maybe, it actually has to do with the fact that they have abused those privileges.  Such as; staying up half the night on a school night talking with their friends or girlfriends.

We are now considered the controlling parents.  The parents who are not as fun, because we make them do chores several times a week, homework, and actually want them to get a good nights sleep at night.

The "other" parent is the fun one.  The one who gives one of our children everything he wants.  He can skype with his girlfriend for 6 hours straight, stay up as late as he wants, go out to eat constantly, new cell phones, ect.  How does one win in this situation?

I read posts from these teenagers and can't help but laugh sometimes, when I read what they say about parenting.  They tell how they are going to be the best parents in the world when they grow up.  They are going to give their children whatever they want  and allow them to go out any time they want to.  I think, "Yeah, good luck with that."

I have been depressed.  And not just a little depressed, but can't even get myself out of bed to go to church kind of depressed.  I can get up to go to work, because I sit in my office quietly and it is honestly a break from the rest of my world.

But, I have been so completely overwhelmed with feelings of failure.  We have 3 children in the home right now.  None of which really want to live with us.  Two are not really doing anything with their lives. My son refuses to do anything.  He refused to go to school and I was forced to home school him, because he decided one day he was not going to go to school anymore.

My daughter moved back from Utah and has been depressed since she got here as she does not know where she wants to go in life and quite frankly I just have not had the emotional strength to help her. And I have a step-son who would rather be some where else, because he gets whatever he wants in the other home.  Why would he want to be with such controlling parents?  The ones who require him to learn about life, cooking, cleaning, and earning money. When he first began staying with us full time, he did not even know how to make himself a sandwich.  He thinks we are the ones who treat him like a baby, because he has a bed time and is not allowed to stay up talking with his girlfriend. A few time his father tried to lend him some trust  and he stayed up talking until 4 in the morning to his girlfriend and fell asleep in his classes at school.

As much as I HATE being the "uncool" parent, I have come to a realization. And I REMEMBER!  I look at the difference between my mother and my father.

My late mother was not a perfect parent. She also struggled.  She said things out of frustration as she was attempting to raise us kids.  She expected us to go to church as a family.  She did not allow me to have a t.v. in my bedroom, she hand sewed all my clothes as she was very frugal.  We had to work for most things we wanted. If cell phones were more common when I was a youth, we would have had to pay for it ourselves.  She did not allow anything in her home that would take the spirit away.  We did not have family home evenings very often or family scripture study, but we did go to church.  I was expected to go to all the youth activities even though I was teased relentlessly every time I went.  She taught me how to cook and clean.  I was expected to do my own laundry. I never had to keep my bedroom clean, but when it would get out of hand, she would remind me to clean it before I could do anything else. And honestly, up until shortly before she died, I had a strained relationship with her.

My dad was the opposite of this.  He was the one who cared more about being my friend then my parent. He drove me to boys homes, didn't care if I went to church or not, and bought me anything I wanted as long as he could afford it. I thought he was the coolest dad in the world and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. I felt closer to him then I did my mother.  He was my friend.  I could talk to him more then I could talk to my mom.

Now that I am a parent.....things have changed.  As we mature into adulthood, we begin to take our blinders off.  We start to see things clearer.  Especially when we start raising children of our own. I look at things MUCH differently now.

Through the help of the spirit, it dawned on me that everything my children have been saying to me, I also thought about my mother! My mother was not considered the "cool" parent.  I thought she was controlling and guess what?  I rebelled from it.  I made my own choices and worked to find my own way. After I had children of my own, I began thinking about things of an eternal nature.  I remembered everything I was taught in church, and what my mother tried to instill in me. AND I REMEMBER!!!

My mother was the one who was really there.  She was at EVERY drill team dance recital and practice. When I was pregnant at 17, my mother knew before I did.  She was in tune with her nature as a mother, and in tune with the spirit.  She guided by principle.  She taught me frugality, strength, patience, honesty, and integrity (she was ALWAYS truthful). She absolutely and completely lead by example.  She was a very hard worker!  She was always working, sewing, and utilizing her talents in every way.

My mother is the one who I try to be. In all the ways that she was a good example for me spiritually. I recognize now that although she was the controlling parent, she is now the voice in my head!! She is the one who has left a positive impact in my life. If it had not been for her I never would have known how to be a single mother on my own for 14 years!  Because of her, I knew how to cook, clean, and budget my money.  I have a good job and work hard. I owe these things to her.

 My children may rebel and choose completely contrary to what they have been taught.  They may not want to do anything with their lives and struggle.  They may blame all their choices on me for a while.  You know what?  That is OKAY!

My mother LOVED me!  She still does! And she loved me in all the ways a parent should. She did not give me everything I wanted.  She did not condone bad behaviors or let me do and go where ever I wanted. Was she perfect?  NO!  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  There was dysfunction in our home. We all have levels of dysfunction in our homes.

Even though things may seem impossible right now, and I have been deemed by SOME as the "controlling parent"  I have decided........I am sooooo grateful for this!!!

Because, one day I will also be THE VOICE IN THEIR HEADS!!! <3