So, I have a temp to perm job right now working in HR. This places me in a position where I am needing to work every day to prove myself, so they will want to keep me permanently. My boss is a type A personality. She walks into a room and commands respect. She is known to the business world as strong and determined, which can be intimidating. Some have even said she is cold hearted. I don't see her this way though. I see the tenderness in her when she speaks of her baby girl. I see the light in her laughter. I personally see a beautiful daughter of God who perhaps gets caught up in the work persona she has to keep up with.
She has many redeeming qualities. But just as with anyone else, she has her weaknesses and this week has been a little frustrating as I have had to be patient with one of the difficult aspects of working with her.
The other day she sent me an email with pretty vague information. She wanted me to create a flyer. Because there was such limited info, I assumed it was the information she wanted in the flyer. So, I copied the info into a template with the correct dates and times of the meetings for each location and sent her the final drafts.
She pulled me into her office, sat me down and said, "When I send you information, you need to think of the audience. They aren't going to know what HRA means. We have to think of the demographic and then go from there." I understood entirely what she was saying and completely agreed, however there was one problem. I had NO idea what the meetings were for. I did not know anything about the meetings taking place beforehand. No one had discussed with me that our broker would be coming to assist our employees with closing out their HRA's and submitting final expenses for reimbursement.
All of this information was what she wanted in the flyer, but she assumed I knew this and would understand what her vague email meant. I simply couldn't put together a flyer on limited information to convey what she wanted and needed. I was in need of MORE knowledge. Needless to say I did not want to disrespect her by getting irritated with her assumption and instead went back into her office, sat down with a paper and pen in hand and meekly asked her to explain what the meetings were for, so I could better understand what she needed. Once explained, I was given the information and was able to more successfully complete my "mission." I have also learned if I want more information when something is vague, I will go to the source and ask questions.
I was thinking about this on the way home and was inspired by this life lesson. I thought about what life would be like if all I had was vague information and a limited knowledge of how to get home again to where I came from. The "world" will offer us limited information when it comes to who we really are, what is needed of us, and where we are supposed to go. Gratefully, Heavenly Father has blessed us with a complete road map and the true Gospel of Jesus Christ restored on the earth to provide us with greater light and knowledge.
I remember my mom telling me about her spiritual journey and how she always felt from the time she was young, various religions had God's truth. Truth is truth and is found throughout the world in various cultures. But she explained that when the LDS missionaries came to the door and she finally let them in, they were able to answer every question she had always had about God. Where we come from. Where we are going. And by what proper authority and power we work through here on earth.
She was never baptized in the church she was raised in because she felt deep inside they did not hold the proper authority. When she was taught the Priesthood and that Christ was the true source and holder of those keys, she gained a powerful testimony of its truthfulness. It wasn't vague or partial. She said she felt like it was a complete puzzle put together from all the truths she already had attained. The Gospel of Jesus Christ filled in the gaps. She was given a more complete knowledge to fulfill her mission on earth.
We are so blessed with what has been written in various scriptures. We have greater light and knowledge and when a spiritual concept seems vague, we have the ability to go to the true source to ask and receive answers. My boss had not given the information I needed to fulfill the task I had been given. She assumed I already knew about the meetings. But, we HAVE been given the information we need and now it is up to us to USE the information we have received and ask for more information as needed to help us fulfill our missions on this earth.
We get to choose what we do with the greater light and knowledge. Will we squander our time in idleness thinking one day I will fulfill my destiny? Will we choose to believe the knowledge isn't of value and walk away? Will we live our lives in insecurity, believing we are not good enough to fulfill our mission? Or will we choose to learn every day, line upon line, here a little and there a little. Will we choose to learn from our own mistakes or the mistakes of others until we have completed the missions we have come here to fulfill and receive not just a partial joy, but a FULLNESS of joy? Our choice! <3
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Friday, February 28, 2014
Falling Puts Us Right Where We Belong
"Virtually all spiritual advances that we make in our lives are preceded by some kind of a fall. That fall of living in the middle of melancholy forced me to figure out a way to climb out and reach higher."-Dr. Wayne Dyer (I Can See Clearly Now)
Adam and Even were placed in the Garden of Eden. They were foreordained to be the mother and father of all living. They were both the noblest of Heavenly Father's children. Adam who was Michael the Archangel in the spirit world was chosen to lead into the battle against Satan. Adam was promised great blessings by the Lord: "I have set thee to be at the head; a multitude of nations shall come of thee, and thou art a prince over them forever" (D&C 107:55). Likewise, Eve was made the mother of all living and shares equally in eternal blessings side by side with Adam.
Adam and Eve were not yet mortal when first placed in the Garden. There was no death in this state or ability to have children. They had both physical and spiritual life, because they had been created from the dust of the earth (physical) and because they were still talking with God face to face (spiritual). He was still in their presence. There had not been any choice made between good and evil. They were given a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth, yet were immortal still. They were told to not eat fruit from the tree of good and evil and warned that if they did, they would surely die.
Satan did not know God's thoughts and sought to destroy His plans. He went and tempted Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit. He told them that they would not die, but would be as God's knowing good and evil. He wanted to have dominion over them. Eve saw that in order to fulfill the level of their creation it was something that had to be done. She convinced Adam to partake and he did because he knew it was the only way to progress. This was known as "The Fall."
Their bodies were changed and they both became mortal. Becoming mortal subjected them to disease, sickness, and physical death. And at the same time, there was a spiritual death. They could no longer walk and talk with God face to face. They and all of their children were separated from God spiritually and psychically.
Many have believed this was a punishment for having eating of the forbidden fruit, but it actually was a blessing. This fall allowed for us all to have the beautiful gift of agency. To be able to choose for ourselves over good and evil. It also allowed for us to choose life and liberty through righteous living and eternal exaltation. We simply would not be here if it had not been for "the fall." Eve said,
"Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed (children), and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient." (Moses 5:11)
They would not have known joy, because they did not know misery. They would have remained in an innocent place. They would have not known good, because they did not know sin.
In other words if they had not fallen they would not have known the difference in order to know humility, patience, understanding, kindness, love, happiness, and ultimate joy.
"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:22-25)
Because of the fall all men became subject to the temptations of the adversary and began to sin. But, because of this Adam and Eve were given a promise. He would send a Savior who would give the greatest gift of sacrifice in order to atone for the sins of all mankind. He would pay for them for us. Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane. He took upon Him all of the sorrows of the world brought on by "the fall." He felt the sins, pains, sicknesses, discouragement,etc of ALL human kind. Those who have lived and will have lived. It is unfathomable the suffering He went through for all of us. The pain was so great, He bled from every pore.
He did this, so we could come upon Him when we fall. Whether we fall in sin, or in sorrow, we can give it all to Him. All He asks is that we look to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and strive to become like Him.
When we experience the consequences of life, we are placed in a position where we either give up this life, or we are forced to climb upward. We are humbled and learn empathy for others who struggle. If we allow, it can become a cleansing from the corrosion of ordinary worldly consciousness. We may become deeper connected with God. It was after the fall that Adam and Eve were placed in a position of constant learning. It was after the fall that Adam and Eve learned how to have faith in a God they could no longer see, but knew was there. They offered sacrifices to Him with their hearts, and called upon Him in prayer. They suffered pain of every kind. Murder and other sins became prevalent, beginning with one of their first born children. They learned God-like attributes and that is exactly what is meant to be for all of us.
We each will experience a fall, or many throughout our life times. We have the opportunity of figuring how to climb back out, having grown a little taller and stronger each time we do.
Think of falling into a deep dark pit. Because of agency and our need to grow, Heavenly Father will not pull us out, BUT has provided us a light, a Savior, to guide us in climbing out of the pit. He is at the top...waiting. We look UP to the light and we climb. As we climb, our muscles become stronger. With every single movement, we are strengthened. After we have emerged, we are stronger then we ever were before. We feel for others who have fallen into a deep dark pit and we feel a need to also be a light to help them climb. We become more like Christ. When we do this, we feel so close to the LOVE of God, we are exhumed by it.
How can we not then be so incredibly grateful for the climb???
Trials of life, even when it seems there are so many, put us right in the place where we belong. It is up to us to utilize the gifts we have been given to not stay stuck in our pits of despair, discouragement, sorrow, frustration, bitterness, anger, and so forth. And when we pull ourselves out by looking to the light, we become exactly who we are meant to become. Over and over again until the perfect day where we too have overcome the world as Christ did. I love you all!!<3
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Looking for Joy Doesn't Mean Life is Fantastic, But Thoughts Can Be
Heavenly Father wants His children to be happy, but not just happy....he wants us to have joy! But, here is the thing.....finding happiness and joy is NOT a frame of life... it is a frame of mind. It is the ability to see the silver lining even when it seems impossible to find it. It is knowing and LIVING that Christ LIVES.
In the last year and a half, our family has been through one trial after another literally. I have been in and out of depression, bitterness, frustration, confusion, resentments, and even feelings of hatred.
However, I learned before and it has come time for me to be reminded that happiness is not contingent on life. I am certain most are familiar with Viktor Frankyl. He was a survivor of the Nazi German camps. He was placed in a march of other men, guns stuck to their backs, starved and fed rotten food, and beaten. It was in those moments of this camp he learned what life really is about. He said,
" A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth--that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world may still know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when a man cannot express himself in position action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way--an honorable way--in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life, I was able to understand the words, 'The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an intimate glory."
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. -Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Why is it that so many can't seem to stay in this vibration? Why do we tend to struggle so much? I believe it was Richard Buckminster Fuller who said, "Everyone is born a genius, but the process of living de-geniuses them." I would like to change the wording a little bit. Everyone is born with the light of Christ, but the process of living casts a shadow.
As we have grown from birth, we begin to form habitual thinking patterns. Such as; "I always mess up," "I can't seem to get it right," "I am stuck," "I'm too fat," "I'm too thin," "I'm not pretty enough," "I'm not smart enough, " and the list goes on. Some of the time we may not even notice these patterns of thought and wonder why it seems our lives feel like constant roller coasters. Why does it feel like it rarely works out? Some of us may be stuck in constant chaos.
Every time we verbalize or think these kind of thoughts our biology will hear it and act accordingly. What we tell ourselves, becomes our reality. By changing our thoughts and replacing them with positive ones, we are literally changing the biological etchings in our brains.
Just because it was what was familiar does not mean it is where we are meant to stay.
So, how do we choose joy?
Because of Christ, we are all complete and whole in our spirit self. Some of us have just suffered so much pain, it is what we have continued to cycle in our lives, because it is what is familiar. We as humans are familiar with drama. We will typically revert back to what we are accustomed. Losing that pattern of happiness and back into the familiar feeling of trauma, thus creating continuous emotional cycles. What I have found is hope that this indeed can be cleared. All of these beliefs created throughout life can be reversed and cleansed and we can all remember our wholeness again.
Habitual patterns of thought can be overcome. When we learn to take control of our minds, and replace old programming, we may begin to feel freedom. Resentments over old hurts, pain, childhood, food issues, etc. begin to dissipate. We stop blaming and begin to think, act, and take personal responsibility. We take back our control. And we do it naturally, because we begin to see ourselves for who we really are. Life starts to feel lighter and positive. Knowledge seems easier to attain, and we feel closer to our source of creation and realize how much God really does love us and we truly FEEL that love.
I have found through my own personal daily scripture study some divine truths. First, we were sent to this earth to gain experience and to get back home to our Father in Heaven again. We each have our own divine mission. These are known eternal truths. But, what should be realized is that we have the divine capability to learn the lessons we have come here to learn, but do not have to continue in the same pattern in order to learn them. True repentance is not returning to the thing that we have repented of, just as true wholeness is not returning to the thing that keeps us stuck. We can choose to not be in these patterns. We can remember our wholeness and return to it. Then we can spend the rest of our lives working on maintaining that wholeness and helping others obtain theirs.
Life is Life. People are people. Agency is agency. BUT thoughts are OURS!! We own them. We have agency, stewardship, AND control over OUR thoughts. If we are not happy....we can change it! <3
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Dating and Single Hood
I had a request that I write today regarding dating. This makes me laugh a little, because I do not see myself as any expert in any way and reality is, I have really had a history of struggle with dating. But, I guess that is where perhaps some may relate.
I was married very young the first time and divorced at 22. It all seems like such a blur. I have learned a lot through trial and error over the 14 years I was single. I have had my fair share of unhealthy, co-dependent behaviors. I had to overcome quite a bit.
After a long 5 year dysfunctional relationship with someone, I could relate to Julia Roberts character in "Runaway Bride." I had lost myself. I didn't even know who I was. I was 85 pounds over weight, thought I was crazy, and didn't even know what I liked and disliked anymore.
The man in this relationship wanted me to be thin in order to marry him. He told me what I should eat, and how I should be spiritually. He wanted me to be who he was. He would give me assignments. If he felt I should be more political then he would advise me to watch the Glen Beck show and come back to him and report about what I had learned from it. His intentions in his mind were good, but slowly after 5 years I had developed an unhealthy attachment that nearly took my life. He was a good man in other ways, but it is what it is. After it ended, I was left with nothing. I was absolutely shattered. But sometimes our greatest trials are the Lord's tenderest mercies.
At this point I was forced to look within. I have learned that some of the greatest dysfunction is not loving ourselves enough to know who we truly are.
THIS is the focus in single hood. We must love ourselves enough to know we are good enough for everything we always knew we are deep down. I truly believe that every situation we are in is designed to be part of our play. We each are part of this magnificent production. People will come into our lives and play a specific role. These people teach us what we need to know and when we have not learned it, another will be sent, and the process will continue.
I had to become truly happy with being single. Not entirely content, but happy with who I was. And I learned that happiness was not contingent on having someone in my life. God is my happiness. Not a single person can make me happy. But, God can.If we look for someone to make us happy, they will ALWAYS fall short. I have heard women say, "I divorced my husband, because I deserved to be happy and he wasn't making me happy." I am sorry to say we will never truly be happy or content until we know how to be happy regardless of our circumstances. This all has to come first BEFORE we find our special someone.
When I was younger I had written a list of things I wanted in a husband. I would go back to it after each person I dated and would compare them to this list. Honestly, no one measured up. I finally decided I was never going to find what I was looking for and maybe I was not being realistic. So, I changed my focus. I worked on myself and for myself. I began exercising and ate healthy. I read uplifting books, meditated, and developed strong patterns of scripture study and prayer. I lost all 85 pounds, established my own fitness business, lived to serve, and I was the most happy I had ever been in my life. I had found peace with single hood.
I kept myself active in social activities without taking away from my children and honestly was unattached to any outcome. I was interested in some and did feel discouraged every now and then as prospects were slim. I became more and more connected with God through prayer and meditation. I learned for the first time just how incredibly loved I am. How loved we ALL are. When we become connected with the source from where we originated, we develop a clear understanding that ALL situations and relationships have been for our good.
The following are 10 of the greatest lessons I learned:
#1. LOVE self first! Take care of the self! Take care of the body, mind, and spirit. Be confident enough to know we are each so intrinsically loved by an amazing and unconditional Father in Heaven. That means we deserve all He has in store for us. We will fall, we are not perfect, but He even prepared a way for us to repent and get back up again. So much love!!
#6. My mother reminded me before she died about the importance of agency. Heavenly Father may give His go ahead for a certain someone, BUT we must remember they have their agency. This might be confusing and cause some heart ache and frustration. When one COULD be a right one, does not always mean he or she won't choose contrary to that. But, please know if it is meant to happen in this lifetime, it WILL happen anyway just not always with the one we think. I had an experience once that was very spiritual. I was told someone was going to be my husband. I knew this other person had the same answer. He utilized his agency and chose differently. I later found out years down the road he made other choices that would not have been congruent with how I want to spend my life. Again, sometimes our greatest confusions and trials are the Lord's most tender mercies.
#7. Love is simply not forced. It comes natural. When I met my husband, I just knew. There was no feeling of settling. I remember telling my best friend that I knew my husband was the one for me because there was no, "I love him, but...." "I love him, but I don't always feel good about myself with him." OR "I love him, but he is controlling." When I met my husband and got to know him, it was only, "I love him." OR "I love his butt." =P Love will come natural, because we love ourselves first and then love for others naturally follows. We will look to the happiness of the other always wanting them to be happy, not because we have to, but because we are just so grateful for them.
#8. When feeling down and life feels impossible.....remember faith. Do not fear the unknown, because when we truly believe in a loving God, we will know it is NOT unknown to Him. Faith is the antecedent of worry and fear. Trust in Him. Trust in Him to have power over our lives. He will gently guide us to where we are needing to go, even if the roads will feel a bit bumpy along the way.
#9. Be grateful for the growing pains. They are positive and good. They hurt. They are supposed to. Without the growing pains, there is no growth. It really is that simple.
#10. Don't take life or yourself so flipping serious!!! Be yourself. Be REAL!!!
These are all the things I learned while I was single. And since I have been married I have learned SO much more and am continuing to learn. And there are continuous growing pains!!! But, I don't think I have ever felt so loved, or loved anyone as purely as I love my husband. He loves me for exactly the way I am, because we have been nothing but real with each other. And we are both learning to love without motive or any kind of agenda. This is the way God and Christ love each of us. And we are required to love all men the same. <3
I was married very young the first time and divorced at 22. It all seems like such a blur. I have learned a lot through trial and error over the 14 years I was single. I have had my fair share of unhealthy, co-dependent behaviors. I had to overcome quite a bit.
After a long 5 year dysfunctional relationship with someone, I could relate to Julia Roberts character in "Runaway Bride." I had lost myself. I didn't even know who I was. I was 85 pounds over weight, thought I was crazy, and didn't even know what I liked and disliked anymore.
The man in this relationship wanted me to be thin in order to marry him. He told me what I should eat, and how I should be spiritually. He wanted me to be who he was. He would give me assignments. If he felt I should be more political then he would advise me to watch the Glen Beck show and come back to him and report about what I had learned from it. His intentions in his mind were good, but slowly after 5 years I had developed an unhealthy attachment that nearly took my life. He was a good man in other ways, but it is what it is. After it ended, I was left with nothing. I was absolutely shattered. But sometimes our greatest trials are the Lord's tenderest mercies.
At this point I was forced to look within. I have learned that some of the greatest dysfunction is not loving ourselves enough to know who we truly are.
THIS is the focus in single hood. We must love ourselves enough to know we are good enough for everything we always knew we are deep down. I truly believe that every situation we are in is designed to be part of our play. We each are part of this magnificent production. People will come into our lives and play a specific role. These people teach us what we need to know and when we have not learned it, another will be sent, and the process will continue.
I had to become truly happy with being single. Not entirely content, but happy with who I was. And I learned that happiness was not contingent on having someone in my life. God is my happiness. Not a single person can make me happy. But, God can.If we look for someone to make us happy, they will ALWAYS fall short. I have heard women say, "I divorced my husband, because I deserved to be happy and he wasn't making me happy." I am sorry to say we will never truly be happy or content until we know how to be happy regardless of our circumstances. This all has to come first BEFORE we find our special someone.
When I was younger I had written a list of things I wanted in a husband. I would go back to it after each person I dated and would compare them to this list. Honestly, no one measured up. I finally decided I was never going to find what I was looking for and maybe I was not being realistic. So, I changed my focus. I worked on myself and for myself. I began exercising and ate healthy. I read uplifting books, meditated, and developed strong patterns of scripture study and prayer. I lost all 85 pounds, established my own fitness business, lived to serve, and I was the most happy I had ever been in my life. I had found peace with single hood.
I kept myself active in social activities without taking away from my children and honestly was unattached to any outcome. I was interested in some and did feel discouraged every now and then as prospects were slim. I became more and more connected with God through prayer and meditation. I learned for the first time just how incredibly loved I am. How loved we ALL are. When we become connected with the source from where we originated, we develop a clear understanding that ALL situations and relationships have been for our good.
The following are 10 of the greatest lessons I learned:
#1. LOVE self first! Take care of the self! Take care of the body, mind, and spirit. Be confident enough to know we are each so intrinsically loved by an amazing and unconditional Father in Heaven. That means we deserve all He has in store for us. We will fall, we are not perfect, but He even prepared a way for us to repent and get back up again. So much love!!
#2. Do not be attached to any outcomes. People will come and go. Give love without motive. There will be some who will be those awesome butterflies. They will come in and back out of our lives. They are beautiful as butterflies are. Then there will be rocks. Rocks of all shades and colors, but are meant to stay. Don't try to hold onto butterflies. They are meant to fly! Watch them, learn from them, and do not be attached to the outcome. Do not be concerned with whether they will be a rock or a butterfly. Because you will not be able to stop them from fulfilling their purpose either way, so simply be a spectator. Give love no matter what. As my husband says, "Sit back and watch the movie." =)
#3. Make a list of things that are absolutes in what is wanted in a spouse. Things that are a must. Keep it locked away and only refer to it if necessary. Even though I had locked it away and could not remember where it was, it was so fun and interesting to find it again AFTER I had already found my husband and find that he fit my list beautifully in ALL the ways that were essential.
#4. Work on being happy no matter the circumstances. Literally practice optimism! Work on daily gratitude. There were times I had to just look at my hands and go from there. And look for ways to serve others.
#5. Have faith in knowing that even if marriage does not happen in this lifetime....it WILL happen. So, we can choose to spend valuable, precious time here serving and causing others to smile, lift others up, loving to the greatest capacity with absolutely no motive or agenda. And continuously seek knowledge by having the desire to learn what is meant to be learned in every circumstance.
#6. My mother reminded me before she died about the importance of agency. Heavenly Father may give His go ahead for a certain someone, BUT we must remember they have their agency. This might be confusing and cause some heart ache and frustration. When one COULD be a right one, does not always mean he or she won't choose contrary to that. But, please know if it is meant to happen in this lifetime, it WILL happen anyway just not always with the one we think. I had an experience once that was very spiritual. I was told someone was going to be my husband. I knew this other person had the same answer. He utilized his agency and chose differently. I later found out years down the road he made other choices that would not have been congruent with how I want to spend my life. Again, sometimes our greatest confusions and trials are the Lord's most tender mercies.
#7. Love is simply not forced. It comes natural. When I met my husband, I just knew. There was no feeling of settling. I remember telling my best friend that I knew my husband was the one for me because there was no, "I love him, but...." "I love him, but I don't always feel good about myself with him." OR "I love him, but he is controlling." When I met my husband and got to know him, it was only, "I love him." OR "I love his butt." =P Love will come natural, because we love ourselves first and then love for others naturally follows. We will look to the happiness of the other always wanting them to be happy, not because we have to, but because we are just so grateful for them.
#8. When feeling down and life feels impossible.....remember faith. Do not fear the unknown, because when we truly believe in a loving God, we will know it is NOT unknown to Him. Faith is the antecedent of worry and fear. Trust in Him. Trust in Him to have power over our lives. He will gently guide us to where we are needing to go, even if the roads will feel a bit bumpy along the way.
#9. Be grateful for the growing pains. They are positive and good. They hurt. They are supposed to. Without the growing pains, there is no growth. It really is that simple.
#10. Don't take life or yourself so flipping serious!!! Be yourself. Be REAL!!!
These are all the things I learned while I was single. And since I have been married I have learned SO much more and am continuing to learn. And there are continuous growing pains!!! But, I don't think I have ever felt so loved, or loved anyone as purely as I love my husband. He loves me for exactly the way I am, because we have been nothing but real with each other. And we are both learning to love without motive or any kind of agenda. This is the way God and Christ love each of us. And we are required to love all men the same. <3
Monday, February 24, 2014
The Controlling Parent??
This is not going to be the normal feel good post. So, beware. But, I am hoping by keeping things real, there will be at least someone who can relate. As painful as it may be, it has been a powerful lesson for me!
For a few months now I have been completely bogged down by feelings of failure. Failure as a mother to be more specific. I have wondered why my children have chosen the paths they have and why it seems I have taken the brunt of their issues.
For 14 years I raised 4 children by myself. None of them are choosing the path I taught them. I took them to church, we had family scripture study, and tried to have Family Home Evenings often. They have fought me at every turn. I have had a few scoffers. I have had some who have spoken behind my back, saying I forced religion on them and that is why they all rebelled. My 18 year old daughter told me the other day that if I had not made them go to church then maybe they would not all hate it now.
I look back and try to figure out where I went wrong. I never forced them to believe anything. I simply expected them to attend church as a family, and to sit together for scriptures each night. I always made it clear it was for them to decide and they must find their own testimonies of the Gospel. I could not force that on them.
They have each been angry when I have not allowed them to have cable t.v. or computers in their bedrooms. They have taken their turns blaming the church for these things, or now some of them blame my new husband. Somehow it is his fault that the kids are not allowed to have internet during the night. That maybe just maybe, it actually has to do with the fact that they have abused those privileges. Such as; staying up half the night on a school night talking with their friends or girlfriends.
We are now considered the controlling parents. The parents who are not as fun, because we make them do chores several times a week, homework, and actually want them to get a good nights sleep at night.
The "other" parent is the fun one. The one who gives one of our children everything he wants. He can skype with his girlfriend for 6 hours straight, stay up as late as he wants, go out to eat constantly, new cell phones, ect. How does one win in this situation?
I read posts from these teenagers and can't help but laugh sometimes, when I read what they say about parenting. They tell how they are going to be the best parents in the world when they grow up. They are going to give their children whatever they want and allow them to go out any time they want to. I think, "Yeah, good luck with that."
I have been depressed. And not just a little depressed, but can't even get myself out of bed to go to church kind of depressed. I can get up to go to work, because I sit in my office quietly and it is honestly a break from the rest of my world.
But, I have been so completely overwhelmed with feelings of failure. We have 3 children in the home right now. None of which really want to live with us. Two are not really doing anything with their lives. My son refuses to do anything. He refused to go to school and I was forced to home school him, because he decided one day he was not going to go to school anymore.
My daughter moved back from Utah and has been depressed since she got here as she does not know where she wants to go in life and quite frankly I just have not had the emotional strength to help her. And I have a step-son who would rather be some where else, because he gets whatever he wants in the other home. Why would he want to be with such controlling parents? The ones who require him to learn about life, cooking, cleaning, and earning money. When he first began staying with us full time, he did not even know how to make himself a sandwich. He thinks we are the ones who treat him like a baby, because he has a bed time and is not allowed to stay up talking with his girlfriend. A few time his father tried to lend him some trust and he stayed up talking until 4 in the morning to his girlfriend and fell asleep in his classes at school.
As much as I HATE being the "uncool" parent, I have come to a realization. And I REMEMBER! I look at the difference between my mother and my father.
My late mother was not a perfect parent. She also struggled. She said things out of frustration as she was attempting to raise us kids. She expected us to go to church as a family. She did not allow me to have a t.v. in my bedroom, she hand sewed all my clothes as she was very frugal. We had to work for most things we wanted. If cell phones were more common when I was a youth, we would have had to pay for it ourselves. She did not allow anything in her home that would take the spirit away. We did not have family home evenings very often or family scripture study, but we did go to church. I was expected to go to all the youth activities even though I was teased relentlessly every time I went. She taught me how to cook and clean. I was expected to do my own laundry. I never had to keep my bedroom clean, but when it would get out of hand, she would remind me to clean it before I could do anything else. And honestly, up until shortly before she died, I had a strained relationship with her.
My dad was the opposite of this. He was the one who cared more about being my friend then my parent. He drove me to boys homes, didn't care if I went to church or not, and bought me anything I wanted as long as he could afford it. I thought he was the coolest dad in the world and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. I felt closer to him then I did my mother. He was my friend. I could talk to him more then I could talk to my mom.
Now that I am a parent.....things have changed. As we mature into adulthood, we begin to take our blinders off. We start to see things clearer. Especially when we start raising children of our own. I look at things MUCH differently now.
Through the help of the spirit, it dawned on me that everything my children have been saying to me, I also thought about my mother! My mother was not considered the "cool" parent. I thought she was controlling and guess what? I rebelled from it. I made my own choices and worked to find my own way. After I had children of my own, I began thinking about things of an eternal nature. I remembered everything I was taught in church, and what my mother tried to instill in me. AND I REMEMBER!!!
My mother was the one who was really there. She was at EVERY drill team dance recital and practice. When I was pregnant at 17, my mother knew before I did. She was in tune with her nature as a mother, and in tune with the spirit. She guided by principle. She taught me frugality, strength, patience, honesty, and integrity (she was ALWAYS truthful). She absolutely and completely lead by example. She was a very hard worker! She was always working, sewing, and utilizing her talents in every way.
My mother is the one who I try to be. In all the ways that she was a good example for me spiritually. I recognize now that although she was the controlling parent, she is now the voice in my head!! She is the one who has left a positive impact in my life. If it had not been for her I never would have known how to be a single mother on my own for 14 years! Because of her, I knew how to cook, clean, and budget my money. I have a good job and work hard. I owe these things to her.
My children may rebel and choose completely contrary to what they have been taught. They may not want to do anything with their lives and struggle. They may blame all their choices on me for a while. You know what? That is OKAY!
My mother LOVED me! She still does! And she loved me in all the ways a parent should. She did not give me everything I wanted. She did not condone bad behaviors or let me do and go where ever I wanted. Was she perfect? NO! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There was dysfunction in our home. We all have levels of dysfunction in our homes.
Even though things may seem impossible right now, and I have been deemed by SOME as the "controlling parent" I have decided........I am sooooo grateful for this!!!
Because, one day I will also be THE VOICE IN THEIR HEADS!!! <3
For a few months now I have been completely bogged down by feelings of failure. Failure as a mother to be more specific. I have wondered why my children have chosen the paths they have and why it seems I have taken the brunt of their issues.
For 14 years I raised 4 children by myself. None of them are choosing the path I taught them. I took them to church, we had family scripture study, and tried to have Family Home Evenings often. They have fought me at every turn. I have had a few scoffers. I have had some who have spoken behind my back, saying I forced religion on them and that is why they all rebelled. My 18 year old daughter told me the other day that if I had not made them go to church then maybe they would not all hate it now.
I look back and try to figure out where I went wrong. I never forced them to believe anything. I simply expected them to attend church as a family, and to sit together for scriptures each night. I always made it clear it was for them to decide and they must find their own testimonies of the Gospel. I could not force that on them.
They have each been angry when I have not allowed them to have cable t.v. or computers in their bedrooms. They have taken their turns blaming the church for these things, or now some of them blame my new husband. Somehow it is his fault that the kids are not allowed to have internet during the night. That maybe just maybe, it actually has to do with the fact that they have abused those privileges. Such as; staying up half the night on a school night talking with their friends or girlfriends.
We are now considered the controlling parents. The parents who are not as fun, because we make them do chores several times a week, homework, and actually want them to get a good nights sleep at night.
The "other" parent is the fun one. The one who gives one of our children everything he wants. He can skype with his girlfriend for 6 hours straight, stay up as late as he wants, go out to eat constantly, new cell phones, ect. How does one win in this situation?
I read posts from these teenagers and can't help but laugh sometimes, when I read what they say about parenting. They tell how they are going to be the best parents in the world when they grow up. They are going to give their children whatever they want and allow them to go out any time they want to. I think, "Yeah, good luck with that."
I have been depressed. And not just a little depressed, but can't even get myself out of bed to go to church kind of depressed. I can get up to go to work, because I sit in my office quietly and it is honestly a break from the rest of my world.
But, I have been so completely overwhelmed with feelings of failure. We have 3 children in the home right now. None of which really want to live with us. Two are not really doing anything with their lives. My son refuses to do anything. He refused to go to school and I was forced to home school him, because he decided one day he was not going to go to school anymore.
My daughter moved back from Utah and has been depressed since she got here as she does not know where she wants to go in life and quite frankly I just have not had the emotional strength to help her. And I have a step-son who would rather be some where else, because he gets whatever he wants in the other home. Why would he want to be with such controlling parents? The ones who require him to learn about life, cooking, cleaning, and earning money. When he first began staying with us full time, he did not even know how to make himself a sandwich. He thinks we are the ones who treat him like a baby, because he has a bed time and is not allowed to stay up talking with his girlfriend. A few time his father tried to lend him some trust and he stayed up talking until 4 in the morning to his girlfriend and fell asleep in his classes at school.
As much as I HATE being the "uncool" parent, I have come to a realization. And I REMEMBER! I look at the difference between my mother and my father.
My late mother was not a perfect parent. She also struggled. She said things out of frustration as she was attempting to raise us kids. She expected us to go to church as a family. She did not allow me to have a t.v. in my bedroom, she hand sewed all my clothes as she was very frugal. We had to work for most things we wanted. If cell phones were more common when I was a youth, we would have had to pay for it ourselves. She did not allow anything in her home that would take the spirit away. We did not have family home evenings very often or family scripture study, but we did go to church. I was expected to go to all the youth activities even though I was teased relentlessly every time I went. She taught me how to cook and clean. I was expected to do my own laundry. I never had to keep my bedroom clean, but when it would get out of hand, she would remind me to clean it before I could do anything else. And honestly, up until shortly before she died, I had a strained relationship with her.
My dad was the opposite of this. He was the one who cared more about being my friend then my parent. He drove me to boys homes, didn't care if I went to church or not, and bought me anything I wanted as long as he could afford it. I thought he was the coolest dad in the world and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. I felt closer to him then I did my mother. He was my friend. I could talk to him more then I could talk to my mom.
Now that I am a parent.....things have changed. As we mature into adulthood, we begin to take our blinders off. We start to see things clearer. Especially when we start raising children of our own. I look at things MUCH differently now.
Through the help of the spirit, it dawned on me that everything my children have been saying to me, I also thought about my mother! My mother was not considered the "cool" parent. I thought she was controlling and guess what? I rebelled from it. I made my own choices and worked to find my own way. After I had children of my own, I began thinking about things of an eternal nature. I remembered everything I was taught in church, and what my mother tried to instill in me. AND I REMEMBER!!!
My mother was the one who was really there. She was at EVERY drill team dance recital and practice. When I was pregnant at 17, my mother knew before I did. She was in tune with her nature as a mother, and in tune with the spirit. She guided by principle. She taught me frugality, strength, patience, honesty, and integrity (she was ALWAYS truthful). She absolutely and completely lead by example. She was a very hard worker! She was always working, sewing, and utilizing her talents in every way.
My mother is the one who I try to be. In all the ways that she was a good example for me spiritually. I recognize now that although she was the controlling parent, she is now the voice in my head!! She is the one who has left a positive impact in my life. If it had not been for her I never would have known how to be a single mother on my own for 14 years! Because of her, I knew how to cook, clean, and budget my money. I have a good job and work hard. I owe these things to her.
My children may rebel and choose completely contrary to what they have been taught. They may not want to do anything with their lives and struggle. They may blame all their choices on me for a while. You know what? That is OKAY!
My mother LOVED me! She still does! And she loved me in all the ways a parent should. She did not give me everything I wanted. She did not condone bad behaviors or let me do and go where ever I wanted. Was she perfect? NO! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There was dysfunction in our home. We all have levels of dysfunction in our homes.
Even though things may seem impossible right now, and I have been deemed by SOME as the "controlling parent" I have decided........I am sooooo grateful for this!!!
Because, one day I will also be THE VOICE IN THEIR HEADS!!! <3
Friday, February 21, 2014
Staying in Christ's Light
I think it is fitting to have my first blog post be a re-post of a journal entry from 2 years ago as this blog will serve as a daily journal. Every day I ponder about life as I go through my own individual struggles, I have no choice but to be entirely honest and real. It is my hope that others will be able to relate to what I have to say and as I face my own inner demons (so to speak) some will also understand and will know they are not alone in this world. I love you all! <3
Journal Entry November, 2011
I have pondered this morning over the words of Nephi. In 2 Nephi 4: 16-35, Nephi pours his heart out in a psalm to God. In verse 16 Nephi says, "Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard."
When we study the things of God with a sincere heart every day we become closer to our Father in Heaven and whats more, we become closer to ourselves. As I study the scriptures every day, I feel close to Heavenly Father. I feel His love and feel love for myself, which opens me up more to receive greater truths.
What we think and feel about ourselves makes a huge difference in our faith in a loving Father in Heaven and His divine plan for each of us individually. There is a great tie between how we feel about ourselves, and how much this affects our level of faith. When we love who we are as divine children of a loving Father in Heaven, we become more aware of the love He has for us. The veil becomes more thin and we may more fully enjoy the life we chose to come here for.
In verse 17-18 Nephi continues, "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."
Nephi was a good man. He had much faith, but he also is expressing a knowledge and humility over his weaknesses. How many times I have beat myself up over my own personal weaknesses. While we should have proper remorse for those things, which are more grievous, many spend a lot of time wallowing over past mistakes and not putting proper trust and faith in the power of the atonement. While the Lord may have forgiven, many find it difficult to truly forgive themselves and move on in high positive energy/light. This only keeps us stuck in negative patterns and puts us exactly where the adversary wants us. Heavenly Father loves us so much. He does not want us to continue to look to the past in such a way. He wants us to learn, grow, and move upward. We are not meant to stay where we are.
What is so beautiful are the profound truths of what he says next. In verses 19-25.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
Journal Entry November, 2011
I have pondered this morning over the words of Nephi. In 2 Nephi 4: 16-35, Nephi pours his heart out in a psalm to God. In verse 16 Nephi says, "Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard."
When we study the things of God with a sincere heart every day we become closer to our Father in Heaven and whats more, we become closer to ourselves. As I study the scriptures every day, I feel close to Heavenly Father. I feel His love and feel love for myself, which opens me up more to receive greater truths.
What we think and feel about ourselves makes a huge difference in our faith in a loving Father in Heaven and His divine plan for each of us individually. There is a great tie between how we feel about ourselves, and how much this affects our level of faith. When we love who we are as divine children of a loving Father in Heaven, we become more aware of the love He has for us. The veil becomes more thin and we may more fully enjoy the life we chose to come here for.
In verse 17-18 Nephi continues, "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."
Nephi was a good man. He had much faith, but he also is expressing a knowledge and humility over his weaknesses. How many times I have beat myself up over my own personal weaknesses. While we should have proper remorse for those things, which are more grievous, many spend a lot of time wallowing over past mistakes and not putting proper trust and faith in the power of the atonement. While the Lord may have forgiven, many find it difficult to truly forgive themselves and move on in high positive energy/light. This only keeps us stuck in negative patterns and puts us exactly where the adversary wants us. Heavenly Father loves us so much. He does not want us to continue to look to the past in such a way. He wants us to learn, grow, and move upward. We are not meant to stay where we are.
What is so beautiful are the profound truths of what he says next. In verses 19-25.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
20My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
24And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
Heavenly Fathers love is so great! Nephi although troubled by his weaknesses had faith in a loving Father in Heaven. He knew to take his troubles to Him. He sought Him in prayer, he received revelations, and He called upon heavenly angels to come down and assist Him. He was filled to the brim with His love! He knew Heavenly Father loved Him unconditionally. He had a very personal, close relationship with our Father.
There is much to learn from Nephi and what we could do to stay in Christ's light. We are encouraged always to pray and not faint. As I was teaching my sweet little primary kids today, I was thinking about the many covenants we make with our Father in Heaven. As we pray to Heavenly Father we make a covenant with Him. We promise to come to Him in prayer and do what He asks us to do and He promises to answer our prayers according to our faith and His will. We have the ability to take our garbage and give it to our Heavenly Father. As I have personally done this, I have been as Nephi consumed by the burning warmth of my flesh from the feeling of love from our Father in Heaven. Every day as I have felt this close relationship with Him, I have felt a greater understanding of each of our individual purposes. Scripture study has been more understood and my abilities to receive greater knowledge has increased dramatically.
We have the ability within each of us to call upon angels to assist us every day. Things don't have to be as difficult as we make them out to be at times. Whether we have sinned and are wanting to find our way back, or we are needing some reprieve from overwhelming daily responsibilities, we have the innate power within ourselves to call upon Heavenly Father and to ask for heavenly assistants. Yes, I meant to say "assistants." Each of us as children of God have heavenly angels to assist us in our every day needs and even wants. They are there. Call on them! I promise they will be there. We also have many angels here on earth, who can assist us as well. All we have to do is ask.
Heavenly Father loves us! He really does. He loves the sinner and He wants us back home with Him again.
Nephi knew how to stay in Christ's light. He knew he was a Son of God. He knew and had faith in this knowledge. Nephi continues to praise Heavenly Father in further verses. He continues to ask why he should be sad or why he should "droop in sin" when he has the knowledge that He is Heavenly Fathers son and knows He will be there for Him.
Why should we stay sad? Why should we continue holding onto all the sadness of the past? Why should we hold onto sins of the past? We can call upon God, He will help us, and through the atonement we can feel complete and whole in all things. Then once we have realized our wholeness, we can choose to stay in a happy state. Continuously striving and reaching for eternal exaltation.
These are some of the glorious lessons we can learn from Nephi! I am so grateful for the scriptures! :)
There is much to learn from Nephi and what we could do to stay in Christ's light. We are encouraged always to pray and not faint. As I was teaching my sweet little primary kids today, I was thinking about the many covenants we make with our Father in Heaven. As we pray to Heavenly Father we make a covenant with Him. We promise to come to Him in prayer and do what He asks us to do and He promises to answer our prayers according to our faith and His will. We have the ability to take our garbage and give it to our Heavenly Father. As I have personally done this, I have been as Nephi consumed by the burning warmth of my flesh from the feeling of love from our Father in Heaven. Every day as I have felt this close relationship with Him, I have felt a greater understanding of each of our individual purposes. Scripture study has been more understood and my abilities to receive greater knowledge has increased dramatically.
We have the ability within each of us to call upon angels to assist us every day. Things don't have to be as difficult as we make them out to be at times. Whether we have sinned and are wanting to find our way back, or we are needing some reprieve from overwhelming daily responsibilities, we have the innate power within ourselves to call upon Heavenly Father and to ask for heavenly assistants. Yes, I meant to say "assistants." Each of us as children of God have heavenly angels to assist us in our every day needs and even wants. They are there. Call on them! I promise they will be there. We also have many angels here on earth, who can assist us as well. All we have to do is ask.
Heavenly Father loves us! He really does. He loves the sinner and He wants us back home with Him again.
Nephi knew how to stay in Christ's light. He knew he was a Son of God. He knew and had faith in this knowledge. Nephi continues to praise Heavenly Father in further verses. He continues to ask why he should be sad or why he should "droop in sin" when he has the knowledge that He is Heavenly Fathers son and knows He will be there for Him.
Why should we stay sad? Why should we continue holding onto all the sadness of the past? Why should we hold onto sins of the past? We can call upon God, He will help us, and through the atonement we can feel complete and whole in all things. Then once we have realized our wholeness, we can choose to stay in a happy state. Continuously striving and reaching for eternal exaltation.
These are some of the glorious lessons we can learn from Nephi! I am so grateful for the scriptures! :)
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